dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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