Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
