Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
