you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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