You're so nebulous sometimes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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