ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
