his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I believe in your delicious
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
