I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
