Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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