he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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