How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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