the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
