you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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