apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
