Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
