My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
