i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
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He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..