omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
