at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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