his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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