I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
