On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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