This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize