ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
