i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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