I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
