Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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