I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
