my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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