I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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