I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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