i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
