I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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