someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
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You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
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He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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