he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
