I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
