By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
