wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
