if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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