The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
