hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
