I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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