How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You took a bar mat shot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
