Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
