You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
