Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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