i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
