I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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