There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
God, I missed his penis.
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