life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
