Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
