Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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