He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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