I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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