I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
