His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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