This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
