Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Someone came in the potted fern
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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