I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
