Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
