fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
literally had 100 drinks last night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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