I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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