you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
